


eight guys chilling in a hot tub

by adda8746



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Choi San is Whipped, Crack, Everybody is soft, Group chat, I try to be funny at least, M/M, Texting, chat fic, is yeosang whipped???, kind of ;))))), nsfw jokes, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27880414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adda8746/pseuds/adda8746
Summary: mom: Stop taping knives to the fucking roomba.loud bitch: you can't stop memom: I'm going to kill you.
Relationships: Choi San/Kang Yeosang, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 69
Kudos: 168





	1. get the bleach

**Author's Note:**

> should i be updating my other fic???? yes. am i starting another one even though i have another serious, long term fic??????? yes. afiojoirjfoierjn december is a very stressful month as a high school student and idk i can't bring myself to write,,, so i've settled for the next best thing: chat fics. i've always wanted to write one because they're always fun to make and to read and it's very stress relieving,,, asfovieojovir

**eight guys chilling in a bathtub**

dad: hit ME BABY ONE MORE TIME-

loud bitch: ew we don’t want to know what you and seonghwa hyung get up to in the bedroom

mom: You’re one to talk. 

loud bitch: anfijeaiojviorejgjregsnjk

loud bitch: fair 

mountain: has anyone seen yungi

mom: Who?

jongho: yunho/mingi

loud bitch: aw jongho why’d you change your name :( 

loud bitch: i liked the other one better

jongho: no. 

**[‘loud bitch’ has changed ‘jongho’s’ name to ‘apple daddy’]**

apple daddy: i hate you wooyoung

loud bitch: y’all hear sumn

loud bitch: *wooyoung  hyung

**[‘apple daddy’ is offline]**

loud bitch: aw :((((((((

mountain: ahem

mountain: as i was saying

mountain: where in the everloving fuck is yungi

mountain: they went out to get bubble tea ages ago

mountain: where is my boba you bitches

mountain: hello?????? answer me 

loud bitch: i-

mountain: not you

loud bitch: tHe dISreSPect

yeoyeo: oh my godi just oajfiorigjiertjoijaijfirios

mountain: yeosang? what’s wrong? are you okay?

  
  


**soulmates**

woo: lmao you’re so obvious

san: shut the fuck up and say something

woo: fine

  
  
  
  


**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

loud bitch: yeah what’s wrong

mom: are you okay yeosang?

yeoyeo: i need bleach for my eyes

yeoyeo: i was just walking to a practice room

mountain: (please rest your body once in a while)

yeoyeo: (no)

yeoyeo: and i thought i saw someone in the sound booths

  
  


**tol and smol**

tol: yEOSANG NO

smol: why not. i literally caught you and mingi sucking face.

tol: i’ll buy you boba  (人・㉨・)♡

smol: fine 

tol: (*ˊᗜˋ*)/ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ*

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

loud bitch: and????? what happened?????

yeoyeo: it was a ghost

loudbitch: what ?????????? that’s it ???

mom: You got us all worried to say you saw a ghost?

yeoyeo: yes.

loud bitch: aojfijeriojfoier ok yeosang

  
  


mountain: why does yeosang have boba

mountain: diD YUNGI GIVE MY BOBA TO YEOSANG? 

mountain: DON’T IGNORE ME YOU COWARDS

yeoyeo: but i wanted it  (ﾉω＼)

mountain: nonono i don’t mean you. you can have the boba yeosangie :D

**soulmates**

woo: whipped

san: ajfoijreoifgeirjg 

san: i hate you 


	2. practice is always good :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apple daddy: THE ROOMBA HAS A FUCKING KNIFE ON IT  
> mom: Language!  
> apple daddy: I ALMOST GOT STABBED AND THAT'S YOUR RESPONSE????

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

mom: Why is the dorm so quiet? 

mom: What’s going on. 

sunshine: nothing

loud bitch: nothing

mountain: nothing

mingki: nothing

mom: I’m scared, what’s going on. 

mom: You’re not even this synchronized in our performances. 

loud bitch: WOW THE SHADE-

apple daddy: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A KNIFE STRAPPED TO THE ROOMBA

dad: i’ve been trapped in THE BATHROOM FOR AN HOUR SOMEONE GET IT OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM

mom: What do you guys have to say about this? 

mountain: it was wooyoungs idea

loud bitch: FUCK YOU SNITCH WE ALL AGREED TO IT

sunshine: tbh i only did it because wooyoung wanted to

mingki: yea me too

loud bitch: the BETRAYAL

mom: Wooyoung, go take off the knife from the roomba. 

yeoyeo: hOW DARE YOU DEFILE MR ROOMBA-SAN WOOYOUNG

loud bitch: YOU NAMED THE FUCKING ROOMBA??????

yeoyeo: yes, because mr roomba-san is the only thing i love

**soulmates**

san: what about me :(((((((

woo: you’re jealous of a fucking roomba?????

san: yes

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

apple daddy: i took off the knife

loud bitch: THANK YOU

apple daddy: shut up wooyoung i only did it because now i get to  _ keep _ the knife

loud bitch: *hyung

mom: JONGHO YOU ARE NOT KEEPING THE KNIFE. 

apple daddy: you aren’t my mom

mom: YES I AM CHOI JONGHO.

yeoyeo: jongho thank you

yeoyeo: hyung will treat you to chicken this weekend ^-^

apple daddy: see this is why i only like yeosang hyung

**soulmates**

san: WHAT THEY’RE GOING OUT ON A DATE????

woo: calm down yeosang’s just treating him to food like a good hyung

san: ASDJSOIJCIOVER THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN’T SAY WE SHOULD MAKE NINJA ROOMBA

san: WOOYOUNG I’M GONNA KILL YOU

woo: WHAT 

woo: DON’T BE MAD AT ME BE MAD AT JONGHO

woo: HOLD ON I CAN STILL FIX THIS

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

loud bitch: what about san

yeoyeo: what about san?

mountain: nothing :)))))))

**soulmates**

san: jung wooyoung i am going to kill you. 

woo: AOIFJOEIRF DON’T SAY MY FULL NAME IT MAKES IT SOUND MORE SERIOUS

san: :)))))))

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

sunshine: anyways mingi can you come practice with me?

mingki: okay!!!

yeoyeo: it’s nice you’re getting practice :)

mingki: yee practice is always good :D

yeoyeo: practice  _ is _ good, right yunho? （*＾ワ＾*）

sunshine: yeah it improves our dancing skills!

yeoyeo: uh huh :)

loud bitch: wtf was that

loud bitch: … 

loud bitch: is no one going to address how sus that was 

dad: everything y’all do is sus

dad: one time i saw jongho carry a giant bag of potatoes in his room and he stayed in there the entire day

apple daddy: that’s not sus

apple daddy: that’s just potato-geddon

dad: what?

loud bitch: what

mingki: what

mom: What. 

yeoyeo: quoi

**[‘apple daddy’ is offline]**

loud bitch: ?????? what ?????????

mingki: i have so many questions 

**6 yeARs oF fRIEndSHIP**

yeo: wooyoung come watch a movie with me

woo: why 

yeo: bitch???? 

yeo: because i don’t want to watch a horror movie at night by myself???

woo: then just dont???

yeo: do you want to watch the fucking movie or not 

woo: wait give me a sec

  
  


**soulmates**

woo: do you want the chance to be alone with a scared and cuddly yeosang???

san: is that even a fucking question

san: yes. 

woo: buy me snacks for a month

san: yoU FUCKER

san: two weeks

woo: one month or no deal

san: FINE

woo: :)

**6 yeARs oF fRIEndSHIP**

woo: eh i don’t feel like getting scared

woo: what about san

woo: he likes horror movies

yeo: oh

yeo: sure

**cat bois**

artemis: san, do you want to have a movie night?

luna: what are we watching?

artemis: um ‘the conjuring’

luna: ok! i like horror movies!!!

**soulmates**

san: WOOYOUNG I LOVE YOU

san: ASJOCIJEOIJFIOER

san: HE JUST SQUEAKED AND GRABBED MY ARM WHEN A JUMPSCARE POPPED UP

san: HELP-

san: HE’S SO CUTE HE JUST BURIED HIMSELF INTO MY SHOULDER

san: PLEASE MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS

woo: istg just kiss him already

san: SHUT UP HE’S SO CUTE AND I WANNA SQUISH HIM AND HE’S SNUGGLING WITH ME AND ASJIHDHIOJDAJOFIJFE

woo: ah the classic gay Panik™

san: adiocfjejigjriejgfiejr

**eight boys chilling in a hot tub**

dad: are yeosang and san sleeping on the couch?

loud bitch: shhhh

loud bitch: let the sansang ship flourish

loud bitch:  _ [img.1] _

loud bitch:  _ [img.2] _

loud bitch  _ [img.3] _

loud bitch: lmao he’s gonna kill me when he finds these

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to clarify,,, luna is san and artemis is yeosang. they're the cats from sailor moon ^o^
> 
> also, since everybody is going insane for yeosang in that thigh harness, here's san's reaction to it :D
> 
> soulmates  
> san: t;hi;igh h;ar;ne;ss  
> woo: lmaoooo  
> woo: i saw you staring at it in the dressing room  
> woo: thought your soul ascended into heaven or smth  
> san: t;he t;hgi;h  
> woo: yeah you're gone lmao


	3. yungi is real <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mom: Who left a single sock in the living room again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched ateez mama and i can say i am positively dead. san in a backless crop top has killed me. goodbye world

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

yeoyeo: um… is anybody up?

mountain: yeosang it’s like 2 am wtf

yeoyeo: sorry sorry go back to sleep san

mountain: no it’s fine i was already up, what’s wrong?

yeoyeo: this is embarrassing but i need to get something from the living room

yeoyeo: and i don’t want to go out in the dark alone 

yeoyeo: can you come with me?

yeoyeo: im really sorry but im just scared

mountain: yeosangie you don’t need to apologize for that

mountain: of course i’ll go with you

mountain: i’ll meet you at your door, okay?

yeoyeo: okay thank you sannie (❁´◡`❁)

**soulmates**

woo: didn’t you go to sleep at like 11 pm

woo: how were you even up

san: i’ve set a specific ringtone for yeosang texts just for those situations :)

woo: wow

woo: that’s actually so sweet wtf

woo: go back to being a thirsty simp

san: :)

**cat bois**

artemis: thank you for coming with me yesterday 

luna: it’s no problem yeosangie

luna: if you don’t mind me asking

luna: why were you scared?

artemis: ok don’t laugh

artemis: but it was because of the horror movie

artemis: I JUST HEARD YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD FROM YOUR ROOM

artemis: WE LIVE IN THE SAME DORM SAN YOU CANT EXPECT TO GET AWAY WITH THAT

luna: i’m not laughing

luna: that was a ghost

artemis: afhiorjfoierjfjreioj

luna: aw is our yeosangie scared???

luna: sannie can give you hugs

artemis: i-

artemis: i hate it here

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

mom: Yeosangie, you okay?

mom: Hyung is always here for you :)

yeoyeo: thank you seonghwa hyung but i’m fine

yeoyeo: it wasn’t anything serious anyways

mountain: yeah he was just scared because-

**cat bois**

artemis: san it’s embarrassing don’t tell them :(

artemis: please? (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

mountain: afeojfiojeroigjregjernnos nothing

mom: What just happened. 

yeoyeo: nothing <3

mountain: yeah nothing happened haha i don’t even know what happened last night hahahahaha

apple daddy: who wants to bet that yeosang hyung just tackled san to the ground

loud bitch: who wants to bet that all yeosang did was be cute and san caved in

mountain: you’re both wrong nothing happened

**soulmates**

woo: did he-

san: yes he gave me the sad face

woo: one day he will use those powers for evil

san: i’m fine with that 

woo: ugh

woo: simp

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

mom: Who left a single sock in the living room again?

mom: Everytime it’s always a different colour.

mom: Actually, don’t answer this. 

mom: I don’t want to know what you do with your socks. 

mountain: ONE TIME

mountain: I MADE THE BUTTER SOCK O N E TIME

loud bitch: yea but you used it to smack me in the face

mountain: you had it coming

mountain: you pronounced gif as ‘jif’

mountain: just fucking pronounce ‘god’ as ‘jod’ too while youre at it

dad: i wish you were this passionate about working :)

mountain: ajfiorjfjerjgfierj unnecessary 

loud bitch: yes hongjoong hyung pop off

apple daddy: not to be a bummer

loud bitch: then don’t exist

apple daddy: shut the fuck up 

apple daddy: where are yunho and mingi?

apple daddy: i never see them anymore

apple daddy: @mingki @sunshine

apple daddy: i want my cuddles :(

loud bitch: why don’t you cuddle me then

apple daddy: please refer to my username

apple daddy: they went out for ice cream today and literally still haven’t come back

mountain: i havent seen mingi or yunho a lot either

dad: yeah where are they?

mom: I’ve noticed they’re gone a lot too.

**tol and smol**

smol: theyre onto you guys

tol: i know 

tol: what should i do :(

smol: youve come to me for advice??

smol: me, the person with the most dating experience???

smol: the most i’ve done is hold hands with a boy i liked in tenth grade

tol: but you’re the only one who knows 

smol: oh

smol: yeah

smol: do you want to tell them?   
tol: yeah i do!!

smol: what about mingi?

tol: um

tol: i’m afraid to ask

tol: we’ve only been dating like two months

smol: oNLY TWO????

smol: you’ve been dating for two years yunho

smol: even atiny ship you two 

smol: ask mingi

smol: if he says yes

smol: then make your relationship public

smol: i vote for you guys to send a picture of you making out

smol: so everyone has to experience what i did

tol: we apologized!!!

tol: we even got you boba!!!!

smol: boba doesn’t erase the memories

smol: *shudders*

tol: i’ll ask him :D

smol: good

**yungi <3**

yun: mingi?

min: um yunho?

yun: wait what did you want to say

min: you go first

yun: nonono you go

min: okay let’s say it on three

yun: ok

min: 1

yun: 2

min: 3

yun: i want to make our relationship public

min: can we come out to the members

yun: !!!!!

min: !!!!!!!!!!!

yun: oKAY IT’S CONFIRMED WE’RE SOULMATES

min: I DONT KNOW WOOSAN I ONLY KNOW YUNGI!!!

yun: how do you want to do it????

min: wait i have an idea 

yun: yea???

min: just trust me on this :DDDDD

yun: oki

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

loud bitch: AHHABOEFHIOERJFOIERJFOIERJI

loud bitch: THE ROOMBA 

loud bitch: IT HAS A FUCKING KNIFE ON IT AGAIN FUCKING HELP

loud bitch: JONGHO IF THIS IS YOU I’LL STAB YOU

loud bitch: I’M STUCK ONT HE COUCH

loud bitch: wait WHY IS THERE A NOTE STUCK ON IT

loud bitch: AAHFOIEJFOIJEOIFJOIJRGJREJGIORJEIOGJIROJGIJRTJGITJRIGJI

loud bitch: MINGI YOU STUPID FUCKING HOE 

loud bitch: YOU’RE DATING YUNHO??????????????

loud bitch: THIS IS HOW YOU COME OUT?????

mom: What?

dad: WHA-

mountain: wait what

loud bitch: the note

loud bitch: “yungi is real <3 we’re going on a date!!!” 

loud bitch: afijoijiejsdvnjnfeoirgrj

apple daddy: what

yeoyeo: congratulations 

loud bitch: why aren’t you more surprised yeosang

loud bitch: yOU KNEW DIDNT YOU

yeoyeo: suddenly i am jared, 19

yeoyeo: i’m going to practice bye 

**[‘yeoyeo’ is offline]**

mingki: yes i am sucking yunhos dick

**[‘mingki’ is offline]**

loud bitch: cOME BACK EHRE

sunshine: um 

sunshine: yea 

**[‘sunshine’ is now offline]**

dad: … 

dad: congratulations i guess?

mom: Congratulations.

mountain: whoooo!!!!

mountain: we should have a party tO CELEBRATE!!!!

loud bitch: san the last time you got drunk you cried to me at 3 am about how much you-

**[‘mountain’ has kicked ‘loud bitch’ out of the group]**

mountain: so no party?

mountain: ok

**[‘mom’ has invited ‘loud bitch’]**

loud bitch: choi san the next time you step out of your room be ready :)


	4. how to get murdered by your bandmates: a guide by jung wooyoung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeoyeo: sometimes a boi just wants to suck some dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this now because i have a french project due tomorrow and if i die,,, at least this chapter will be out. and also,,, if my friends are reading this, no you aren't <3 get off my ao3 account

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**yeoyeo:** sometimes a boi just wants to suck some dick 

**mountain:** WHAT

**dad** : YEOSANG W H A T

**mom** : THIS IS A PG FAMILY CHAT

**yeoyeo** : hey @mountain

**mountain** : oh god yeosang what

**yeoyeo** : you have a dick and i have a mouth huh what a coincidence

**soulmates**

**san** : W H A T 

**san** : AJFEFIOFJRGNRGOI

**san** : i DONT KNOW WHAT TO FOCUS ON 

**san** : DOES YEOSANG WANT TO SUCK A DICK?????

**san** : WHOSE DICK DOES HE WANT TO SUCK OSFNOSIFJJRFS

**san** : WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OH MY GOD IM GOING TO HAVE A STROKE

**san** : anoidfjejfifngdnsjnrjfeir what is GOING ON

  
  


**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**dad** : YEOSANG I AM BEGGING YOU WHAT IS GOING ON

**sunshine** : do i see a new couple ┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴

**mingki** : would their ship name be yeosan or sansang

**apple** **daddy** : tbh i like choi sang better

**dad** : NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS THIS

**mingki** : idk i mean sansang has a better ring to it yk?

**sunshine** : i second that

**mingki** : aw thanks babe

**sunshine** : (*ﾉωﾉ)ᵉᵉᵏ 

**dad** : ok fine that is wholesome

**yeoyeo** : can someone come rearrange my guts ＊*♡( ⁎ᵕᴗᵕ⁎ ）

**sunshine** : wow yeosang get it 

**mom** : Oh my god. 

**dad** : oh my fucking god i cant take this anymore 

**mountain** : afjfiogjrogijrtiojoig

**yeoyeo** : ai83289ue2oeidfwe2

**yeoyeo** : hello i apologize

**yeoyeo** : if you hear wooyoung screaming that’s just because i am maiming him

**loud** **bitch** : SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE

 **apple** **daddy** : yall hear sumn

**mountain** : no :)

**mingki** : yun come cuddle with me

**sunshine** : (＾＾)ｂ OK!

**sunshine** : yeosang go kill wooyoung i support you

**mom** : Did Wooyoung steal your phone?

**yeoyeo** : yes

**loud** **bitch** : OH MY GOD I LOCKED MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM YEOSANGIE I’M SO SORRY PLEASE STOP YOU’RE VERY SCARY

**yeoyeo** : youre in the bathroom??????

**mountain** : haha wooyoung that’s  _ me _

**loud** **bitch** : FUCK I’M DEAD

 **loud** **bitch** : TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER

 **apple** **daddy** : hell yeah now i get all of your mom's kimchi

 **loud** **bitch** : WHEN I DIE PUT MY ASHES INTO JONGHOS FOOD SO HE CAN EAT MY FUCKING ASS ONE LAST TIME 

**apple** **daddy** : bold of you to assume we’re getting you cremated

 **apple** **daddy** : you’re getting yeeted into the nearest dumpster like the cheap hoe you are

 **loud** **bitch** : i AM STILL YOUR HYUNG

 **loud** **bitch** : PLEASE CAN SOMEONE COME HELP ME I THINK YEOSANG AND SAN MIGHT ACTUALLY KILL ME

**dad** : im going to the studio

**mom** : I’ll go with you. 

**sunshine** : sorry mingis asleep in my arms

**mountain** : open up jung wooyoung :)

**yeoyeo** : six years of friendship and i finally get to kill you 

**loud** **bitch** : i’LL BUY YOU CHICKEN

**yeoyeo** : hmmmmmmmmmmmm 

**yeoyeo** : 30 wings

**loud** **bitch** : OKAY it’ll be from the expensive restaurant!!!!! 

**loud** **bitch** : i’ll even bring you kimchi fries!!!!

**yeoyeo** : @mountain

**yeoyeo** : let’s have dinner together (❁´◡`❁)

**mountain** : okie 

**yeoyeo** : wooyoung you can fuck off after you deliver it :))))))))

**loud** **bitch** : okay as long as you don’t kill me <3

**yeoyeo** : still on thin fucking ice <3

**soulmates**

**san** : you know what it started off weird as fuck

**san** : and the middle was also shit

**san** : but now i have a dinner date with yeosang

**woo** : how is it a date

**woo** : he asked you to split chicken with him because he feels bad for you

**san** : shut the fuck up

**dads favourite child**

**sangie:** afdjeiofejfoero hey hongjoong hyung

**sangie:** so i was eating chicken with san 

**dad:** hello to you too. i’m doing fine. what about you?

**sangie:** okok i get it you’re needy 

**dad** : wow

**sangie:** anyways 

**sangie** : we were eating the apology chicken and we were joking around and well aifjoewfijrioejgfier

**sangie** : he pretended like he was gonna feed me

**sangie** : and i 

**sangie** : i ate it off his hand as a joke but i also accidentally licked his fingers and then it was really awkward so we just laughed it off aohdfojewofjejerfjirije

**dad:** and your point is????????

**sangie** : i DONT KNOW BUT I KNOW IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD BUT ALSO KIND OF

**sangie** : HOT IDK HOW ELSE TO DESCRIBE IT 

**dad** : oh no

**dad** : no you are not going to realize your giant gay crush on san because you licked his fingers

**dad** : uh uh

**dad** : no you’re going to do it the normal way and realize after another year and then pine for a ridiculously long time before one of you chickens out and confesses

**sangie** : speaking from experience????

**sangie** : also it’s not a  _ crush _ we’re adults for god's sakes hongjoong hyung

**sangie** : i just lowkey want to suck his dick it’s cool

**dad** : oh my fucking god i hate you

**[‘dad’ has changed ‘sangie’s’ name to ‘heathen’]**

**[‘dad’ has changed the chat name to ‘hell’]**

**heathen** : you’re so dramatic

**soulmates**

**san** : FUCK

**san** : somethING JUST HAPPENED

**woo** : istg i didn’t know they were alive when i bought them

**san** : WAIT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

**woo** : … 

**woo** : what are YOU talking about?

**san** : YEOSANG ACCIDENTALLY LICKED MY FINGERS 

**woo** : and you’re still alive?????? 

**woo** : how have you not like malfunctioned

**san** : i;m just processing

**woo** : did you get a boner

**woo** : because that would be REALLY embarrassing 

**san** : what the fuck is wrong with you 

**san** : no i didn’t

**san** : it was just really awkward after 

**woo** : how did it even happen 

**san** : idk i was pretending like i was gonna feed him and then he took it out of my mouth and ig he just accidentally licked my finger

**woo** : huh

**woo** : that’s new

**woo** : he never licks *my* finger

**san** : that’s because one time i saw you dig your hands into the trash and then just walk away… like nothing happened

**woo** : wow okay didn’t expect to get judged when YOU’RE the one getting turned on by yeosang licking your finger

**san** : i’m not

**woo** : mhm and why have you locked your bedroom door

**san** : shut the fuck up i’m gaming

**woo** : you keep telling yourself that buddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop was that... a semBLANCE OF PLOT????? a HINT???? who am i anymore if my stories have actual plot and not just 80% simp jokes


	5. mint choco, anyone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mountain: mint choco is good  
> ['mom' has kicked 'mountain' out of the group]  
> mom: Y'all hear sumn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched 'the prom' and yALL it was so good and i cried and dee dee aleen is literally ICONIC 
> 
> also angie dickinson. that's it. just nicole kidman playing angie dickinson and making my gay little heart do things.

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**mom** : It’s weird how I put mint toothpaste into San’s ice cream sandwich yesterday and he still hasn’t noticed. 

**mom** : Says a lot about mint choco ice cream enthusiasts. 

**loud bitch** : and a lot about san why the fuck did you keep eating it @mountain

**mountain** : wAIT YOU DID W H A T?

**dad:** san you do know we’re not  _ poor _ right????

**dad:** you don’t need to keep eating the ice cream sandwich if it’s tainted

**yeoyeo** : o reminds of the time i replaced wooyoung’s cake icing with sour cream

**loud bitch** : it was my BIRTHDAY CAKE 

**loud bitch:** i wAS 16 YOU HOE YOU TRAUMATIZED ME 

**loud bitch:** I NEVER TRUST ANYTHING YOU GIVE ME ANYMORE

**yeoyeo:** it was funny

**loud bitch:** AOCFIEJFOEJFORJFREJN

**mountain:** NO CAN WE CIRCLE BACK TO HOW SEONGHWA PUT TOOTHPASTE IN MY FUCKING ICE CREAM????

**mom** : Calm down, it’s not like I used the whole tube. 

**mountain:** HOW MUCH DID YOU USE ????

**mom:** Half :)

**mountain:** AOFHREJGREGJRNG SEONGHWA HYUNG I AM YOUR C H I L D 

**mom:** Yeah, and I’m your mom. Don’t see you making an effort to not get on my nerves. 

**mountain** : WAIT IS THIS ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CHIPS???

**mom:** Mayhaps. 

**mountain:** i APOLOGIZED what more do you want from me

**mountain:** i THOUGHT THEY WERE YUNHOS

**sunshine:** HEY 

**mom:** It’s okay, I got my revenge anyways. 

**loud bitch:** istg idk how everybody thinks seonghwa hyung is so nIcE aND CaRinG

**mom:** I am nice and caring. 

**mom:** Yeosang? 

**yeoyeo:** yea seonghwa hyung is nice

**sunshine:** did he bribe you 

**yeoyeo:** no this is completely of my own volition

**mingki:** he said a fancy word that’s his tell

**yeoyeo:** wtf

**yeoyeo:** how do you know this 

**mingki:** san

**sunshine:** san

**loud bitch:** san duh

**dad:** san 

**apple daddy:** san hyung lmao

**mountain:** wow you fucking traitors

**yeoyeo:** aiofjejwifoewrfj SAN I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE

**[‘yeoyeo’ has changed ‘mountain’s’ name to ‘traitor’]**

**traitor:** yeosang you have to stop hanging around hongjoong hyung

**traitor:** his dramaticness is rubbing off on you 

**yeoyeo:** that’s not a word you traitor >:(

**soulmates**

**san:** i know he’s mad at me but that is literally so cute 

**woo:** at this point yeosang could kidnap me and you’d say he’s adorable

**san:** first of all he wouldn’t want to kidnap you

**san:** he ACTIVELY avoids you 

**san:** second of all yes i would still find him adorable

**woo:** love has changed you 

**woo:** asshole 

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**apple daddy:** now that yeosang hyung has changed san hyungs name can i change the god awful name wooyoung gave me

**loud bitch:** ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE

**loud bitch:** IT’S LIKE THE ‘HYUNG’ IS JUST MOCKING ME

**[‘traitor’ has changed ‘traitor’s’ name to ‘sannie’]**

**loud bitch:** boo that’s so boring

**yeoyeo:** traitor >:(

**sannie:** THEY FORCED ME

**yeoyeo:** :(

**sannie:** they threatened to take shiber :(

**yeoyeo:** fine i’ll forgive you

**yeoyeo:** but come give me cuddles

**sannie:** ok we can watch a movie too 

**loud bitch:** get a room

**dad:** i feel like a third wheel and I’M the one with the boyfriend

**mingki:** we joke but istg sansang is real

**apple daddy:** YEOSAN

**sunshine:** hush jongho it’s sansang

**hell**

**heathen:** he left his hoodie on the bed

**heathen:** i’m cold

**heathen:** oh my god it’s so convenient i also have a BODY 

**dad:** please don’t steal san’s hoodie

**heathen:** that sign can’t stop me because i can’t read

  
  


**soulmates**

******san:** i LEFT MY FUCKING HOODIE ON MY BED WHEN I WENT TO GET CHIPS IN THE KITCHEN

**woo:** so? 

**san:** stfu hoe let me finish

**san:** i COME BACK AND GUESS WHO’S WEARING MY OVERSIZED HOODIE AND LOOKING LIKE A LITTLE BABY 

**woo:** meryl streep

**san:** no it was YEOSANG OAIJFIJERFNJKESDNNFJE

**woo:** he wears our hoodies all the time

**san:** BUT THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THE RARE TIMES HE’S WEARING MINE

**san:** LIKE THE BIG ONE FROM OUR WORLD TOUR

**san:** LET ME ENJOY THIS

**woo:** fine fine 

**woo:** anyways just a heads up so your heart doesnt explode

**woo:** he likes playing with the sweater paws and letting it cover his whole hand

**woo:** do what you will with this information

**san:** ahfjrfoiejrfrejkfnnsjkf youre trying to kill me

**woo:** my only entertainment is watching you suffer

**woo:** toodles keep me updated

**woo:** it’s been like three hours

**woo:** you’re either fucking

**woo:** or you’re both dead

  
  


**woo:** omg are YOU CUDDLING AOIJFIOJOREFJEKRN

**woo:** choi san my dude, my bro, my no homo gay bf

**woo:** you’ve got mOvES

**woo:** i can’t even get yeosang to cuddle w me unless he’s drunk 

**woo:** or very very very sleep deprived 

**woo:** i can’t WAIT to see your reaction when you wake up

  
  


**hell**

**dad:** are you cuddling with san

**dad:** i was gonna say sleeping with but that just sounds like fucking

**dad:** anyways as i was saying

**dad:** you, my child

**dad:** have a MASSIVE HOMO CRUSH for one choi san

**dad:** and you need to STOP denying it

**dad:** ‘oH i JuSt WaNT tO suCK hIs DiCc’

**dad:** just admit you’re soft for him and go 

**heathen:** i-

**heathen:** yeah 


	6. the yeekies dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> san: i worship the yeekies  
> san: (yeo cheekies)  
> woo: sigh  
> woo: i know

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**loud bitch:** hey hoes

**loud bitch:** did you know that if you write your password in the gc it blocks it out?

**loud bitch:** ****** see?

**yeoyeo:** ********

**yeoyeo:** oh yeah 

**mountain:** yeocheekies

**mom** : joongie1107

**dad:** awww seonghwa baby i love you (´つヮ⊂)

**mom:** I love you too. 

**loud bitch:** wtf san

**yeoyeo:** ^^^^^

**mountain:** fuck you wooyoung

**yeoyeo:** what are ‘yeo cheekies’

**loud bitch:** your cheeks 

**loud bitch:** they’re squishy

**loud bitch:** so we’ve all deemed them the yeo cheekies

**yeoyeo:** wiTHOUT MY CONSENT AND KNOWLEDGE?????

**yeoyeo:** they’re not squishy 

**mingki:** they are

**sunshine:** i can even prove it rn

**yeoyeo:** YUNHO GET AWAY FROM ME 

**sunshine:** :D

**mountain:** yeosang are you okay????

**mountain:** yunho SQUARE THE FUCK UP

**mingki:** he’s 6 ft

**mountain:** did i stutter

**sunshine:** the yeekies are as soft and squishy as ever

**sunshine:** can confirm (*≧▽≦)

**yeoyeo:** THEY’RE REDUCED TO ‘YEEKIES’ NOW? 

**mountain:** wait yunho bitch whatd you do

**sunshine:** i squished the yeekies

**sunshine:** and gave yeosang a big hug because he’s uwu 

**yeoyeo:** i hate you 

**sunshine:** uwu yeo

**yeoyeo:** die

**sunshine:** see????? uwu

**soulmates**

**san:** i wanna squish the yeekies

**woo:** you were literally JUST cuddling yesterday

**san:** but he never lets me squish the yeekies :(

**woo:** i can fix that

**san:** waIT THE LAST TIME YOU SAID THAT NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED

  
  
  
  


**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**loud bitch:** @yeoyeo

**loud bitch:** let san squish the yeekies

**yeoyeo:** nobody can squish the yeekies

**yeoyeo:** (｀Д´)

**yeoyeo:** all of your yeekie privileges have been removed

**dad:** yeosang did you just… lock yourself in your room?????

**yeoyeo:** yeah mingi was trying to squeeze the yeekies

**mingki:** i just wanted to check if they were soft and squishy for myself!!!

**yeoyeo:** sus

**soulmates**

**san:** everytime he says yeekies i bust an uwu

**woo:** ik you’re sitting right next to me 

**woo:** it’s like sitting next to an excitable toddler

**parents**

**joongie:** hey hwa

**hwa:** Yes, dear? 

**joongie:** you’re so cheesy 

**joongie:** but i love it <3

**joongie:** okay so i know something 

**joongie:** something that will make you owe me 50 bucks 

**hwa:** ? 

**joongie:** i’m not telling you btw you can just think about it

**hwa:** I–

**hwa:** Why? 

**joongie:** this is payback for not letting me steal your hoodies

**hwa:** I needed to wash them! 

**joongie:** >:) i’m evil

**hwa:** My gremlin. 

**joongie:** i hate you

**joongie:** go stew in your thinking soup

**mom and the golden child** **  
** **mom:** So Sangie.

**mom:** How’s things?

**goldie:** ???? i’m practicing what do you want

**mom:** Is that any way to speak to your hyung. 

**goldie:** sorry

**goldie:** what do you want hyung

**mom:** That’s better. 

**mom:** What’s Hongjoong’s secret? 

**goldie:** what secret

**goldie:** oh did you find his secret underwear-

**mom:** What? 

**goldie:** nothing

**goldie:** why do you ask?

**mom:** He’s trying to hide something from me, something that we bet on apparently. You’re his favourite so he probably told you. 

**goldie:** oh

**goldie:** excuse me for a sec

**hell**

**heathen:** bITCH YOU BET ON ME??//

**heathen:** i will TELL SEONGHWA YOU HAVE A SECRET SHRINE OF HIM

**[‘heathen’ has left the chat]**

**dad:** ??? WHAT???? 

**dad:** YEOSANG COME BACK 

**mom and the golden child**

**goldie:** i’m back 

**goldie:** anyways idk what secret you’re talking about

**mom:** Hmmm

**mom:** You used an abbreviation in the middle of a sentence, you know something. 

**goldie:** what the fuck ?????? 

**mom:** Oh, it’s personal.

**mom:** Let’s see, what have you done that’s suspicious lately? 

**goldie:** hol up what are you doing

**mom:** Defensive. So it’s a crush? 

**mom:** Probably on one of our members, unless you like the manager. 

**goldie:** i don’t like manager hyung

**mom:** So it IS a crush. 

**goldie:** fuck

**mom:** You’re not that mad yet, which means it isn’t an inappropriate crush you don’t want me knowing about. It’s not me, Hongjoong, Yunho, or Mingi then.

**goldie:** oh my god i feel like i’m in a lineup this is terrifying

**mom:** It’s not Wooyoung, you’re like brothers.

**mom:** Oh my god.

**mom:** You like San? 

**goldie:** WHAT THE FUCK AHEFOIEJOERFIOFRJIOR

**goldie:** how’d you figURE THAT OUT??????

**goldie:** youre like a detective what the fuck

**goldie:** and also why isn’t it jongho huh

**goldie:** okay no that’d be like fucking my younger brother ew nope i can’t even fake it

**mom:** Sigh.

**mom:** Yeosang, I’m obligated to inform you that you have bad taste.

**goldie:** hey san is a smart, handsome, and caring person

**mom:** He once asked me if he could microwave foil, but ‘just really quickly’.

**goldie:** okay he’s handsome and caring

**mom:** Have you forgotten the time he laughed at Wooyoung when he got sick because he stood in line for hours for a BTS concert?

**goldie:** okay he’s handsome

**mom:** … 

**mom:** I reiterate, bad taste.

**mom:** :)

**goldie:** i hate hongjoong hyung

**goldie:** you know what if i have to suffer he does too. 

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**yeoyeo:** @everyone

**yeoyeo:** i come bearing news :)   
**yeoyeo:** @mom @dad both of you need to be here

**mom:** What? 

**dad:** oh no yeosang no

**loud bitch:** what??

**mountain:** whats up?

**sunshine:** what goes on??

**mingki:** yee? 

**apple daddy:** yea?

**yeoyeo:** now that youre all here

**dad:** YEOSANG PLEASE NO

**yeoyeo:** hongjoong hyung has a secret shrine of seonghwa hyung that he keeps in his studio, it even includes two t shirts he stole from seonghwa :))))))))))

**loud bitch:** W H AT BAOCFOIEJFERF

**mountain:** HOLY DFUCK

**mingki:** oH MY GOD 

**sunshine:** HONGJOONG HYUNG??????????

**apple daddy:** this is even worse than walking in on your parents doing it

**mom:** Hongjoong? 

**dad:** no

**[‘dad’ has left the chat]**

**parents**

**hwa:** So that’s where my t-shirts went?

**joongie:** oh my fucking god

**[‘joongie’ has left the chat]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if you think i'm moving a bit fast!!! i dont really know where i'm going with this, there really isn't a lot of plot, i just wanted to make something that people could destress to!!! also i promise there won't be angst in the future (maybe a TEENY tinny bit) ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿
> 
> also HAPPY WINTER BREAK (kinda)
> 
> my school starts winter break on friday, and i can't WAIT to do nothing but write bad fanfic for the next two weeks. stay safe loves !!


	7. christmas special: everybody say thank you to wooyoung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ['loud bitch' has changed the chat name to 'santa's eight helpers']  
> mom: This is THE worst possible name you could've chosen to name our chat.  
> loud bitch: merry christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! ˉ̞̭(′͈∨‵͈♡)˄̻ ̊ AHHHH I WISH FOR ALL OF YOU TO HAVE SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY!!!!!
> 
> i wasn't planning on making a christmas chapter but then i got a TINY inkling of inspiration and i just had to write it down. this is my christmas gift to all of you!!!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**[‘loud bitch’ has changed the chat name to ‘santa’s eight helpers’]**

**santa's eight helpers**

**loud bitch:** revive this chat you hoes

**loud bitch:** it’s christmas where are all of you

**mountain:** christmas shopping

**yeoyeo:** i was sleeping

**dad:** studio

**mom:** Manager allowed us to break diets for Christmas, so I’m baking brownies. @appledaddy, can you come help? 

**apple daddy:** sure, i wasn’t doing anything anyway

**loud bitch:** @sunshine what are you doing?

**sunshine:** mingi

**loud bitch:** we get it, you’re in love and it’s really annoying

**loud bitch:** @mingki what are you guys REALLY doing

**mingki:** we’re watching inside out in our jammies

**loud bitch:** don’t forget we’re having a christmas movie marathon tonight @everyone

**jESSICA DID YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR TEACHER?**

**bad decision maker:** SEONGHWA HYUNG

**tired mom:** What, Wooyoung? 

**bad decision maker:** i need you to make eggnog

**tired mom:** That’s it?

**bad decision maker:** no i need you to s p i k e it with ~v o d k a~

**tired mom:** Wooyoung you know none of us can hold our liquor. 

**bad decision maker:** but wouldn’t it be FUN to just let LOOSE ON CHRISTMAS????

**tired mom:** No? 

**bad decision maker:** boo boring

**bad decision maker:** anyways this isn’t for me 

**bad decision maker:** it’s for san

**bad decision maker:** it’s my christmas present for him

**tired mom:** That sounds like a terrible present. 

**bad decision maker:** ugh please????

**bad decision maker:** you’ll get to see DRUNK hongjoong hyung

**tired mom:** I see drunk Hongjoong every time one of you breaks the furniture

**bad decision maker:** wow how is he not wasted every day 

**bad decision maker:** anyways

**bad decision maker:** pretty please with extra cherries on top????????

**bad decision maker:** (≧.≦*)

**tired mom:** …

**tired mom:** Fine. 

**bad decision maker:** YAYYAYAYAYAAY THANK YOU BEST HYUNG

**soulmates**

**woo:** thank me later

**woo:** ;) 

**san:** what

**san:** i have your christmas present in my hand rn don’t test me jung wooyoung

**woo:** why can my surprises never be good 

**san:** the last time you gave me a ‘surprise’ my hair turned neon green for a day 

**woo:** at least everybody laughed

**san:** manager hyung didn’t

**woo:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

**woo:** dw tho this is a good one

**6 yeARs oF fRIEndSHIP**

**woo:** are you doing anything

**yeo:** yea i’m trying to stop an evil supervillain from taking over the world

**woo:** get out of bed and come help me decorate the dorm 

**yeo:** i’m BUSY LEAVE ME ALONE

**woo:** what are you busy doing?

**yeo:** …

**yeo:** i’ll be out in three minutes

  
  


**santa’s little helpers**

**loud bitch:** COME TO THE LIVING ROOM

**yeoyeo:** i spent TWO hours doing this and i got NO reward all of you better be GRATEFUL

**apple daddy:** are those-

**apple daddy:** ARE THOSE ELVES HANGING OFF THE CEILING? 

**yeoyeo:** i couldnt find twinkle lights

**apple daddy:** SO YOU THOUGHT E L V E S WOULD BE A GOOD SUBSTITUTE?

**apple daddy:** IT LOOKS LIKE A MURDER SCENE

**apple daddy:** WHY ARE THERE GOOGLY EYES ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE 

**yeoyeo:** wooyoung wanted it to look FUN

**loud bitch:** hEY IT DOES LOOK FUN

**apple daddy:** there’s a PICTURE OF EMMA WATSON ON THE TREE INSTEAD OF THE STAR

**yeoyeo:** i was on a budget

**apple daddy:** i-

**apple daddy:** i need a drink

**loud bitch:** the eggnog’s spiked :D 

**apple daddy:** who agreed to that

**mom:** I did, but only under duress.

**mountain:** i’m starting to not want to come home more and more

**mountain:** oh look there’s a 24 hour internet cafe

**sunshine:** hold up if we have to suffer you do too

**mingki:** yeah come join csi christmas edition

**yeoyeo:** i hate all of you

**mountain:** wow they charge so little per hour!!!! and they even serve free cookies!!!

**mingki:** come home uwu

**mountain:** that may work on yunhoe but not on me

**loud bitch:** yeosang youre up

**yeoyeo:** what

**loud bitch:** work your magic and make san come home 

**loud bitch:** we all know nobody can say no to you

**mingki:** come on yeosang you just need to make the ‘uwu’ face

**sunshine:** yessss he’ll be home within ten minutes

**mountain:** do you all have that little faith in me

**dad:** seonghwa once let yeosang escape out of chores because, and i quote “yeosang looked sad”

**dad:** so yes, we have ZERO faith in you

**yeoyeo:** @mountain

**mountain:** no i’m strong

**yeoyeo:** please come home ๐·°(৹˃﹏˂̵৹)°·๐

**mountain:** i hate this fucking family so much

**loud bitch:** how long until you’re home

**mountain:** i’m two blocks away

**dad:** good job yeosang

**yeoyeo:** :)

**mom:** The brownies are ready, what are we watching? 

**loud bitch:** home alone

**dad:** nightmare before christmas

**yeoyeo:** the grinch

**sunshine:** home alone 2

**apple daddy:** i also made popcorn btw

**mountain:** i’m already at the door

**loud bitch:** ayyyyyyy MOVIE NIGHT TIME

**loud bitch:** everyone needs to drink at least two cups of eggnog

**apple daddy:** are you just trying to get us drunk

**loud bitch:** and what if i am

**apple daddy:** sigh

**apple daddy:** i respect that 

**mingki:** LETS GET DRUNK!!!! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**sunshine:** sounds like a good idea :D

  
  


**dad:** is yeosang… already drunk ??? 

**loud bitch:** damn he was only like 4 cups in

**loud bitch:** new record

**loud bitch:** jongho is also drunk because he just called me hyung 

**loud bitch:** san is san

**yeoyeo:** aiofjiowdk wooyie whre r u? 

**loud bitch:** sitting right next to you

**yeoeyo:** o 

**yeoyeo:** whnd u git three? 

**loud bitch:** since the beginning of home alone

**yeoyeo:** haha fnuny

  
  
  
  


**parents**

**joongie:** yeo’s asleep on the couch but i’m not that worried about him

**joongie:** wooyoung actually specifically told me NOT to wake him up

**hwa:** joongie

**hwa:** honey

**hwa:** my little baby

**joongie:** seonghwa are you drunk? 

**hwa:** … 

**hwa:** no 

**hwa:** i’mperfectly in control of my mind

**joongie:** yeah youre wasted

**joongie:** wanna cuddle? 

**hwa:** yes i want cuddles

**joongie:** sigh okay come on you big dumb angry bird

**hwa:** i’m not dumb 

**joongie:** nonono you aren’t you’re just a big angry bird

**joongie:** now do you want cuddles or not

**hwa:** i’/m coming

  
  
  


**cat bois:**

**artemis:** snannanananannananananan

**luna:** yeosang? 

**luna:** the movie marathons over

**artemis:** buuut im on th cococh

**luna:** yes 

**luna:** you fell asleep during home alone 2 so we just left you there

**artemis:** i;m lonnenenenlyyyyyyyyy

**artemis:** yeo wan huggggs

**artemis:** wan uhg

**artemis:** cudddkes now

**artemis:** SANANNAAHHHHHHHHHHH

**artemis:** ヽ(´□｀。)ﾉ 

**artemis:** yure’ sooooo mea n 

**artemis:** ocme five meeeeee cccuddelelssss

**artemis:** i;m gonne cRY IF UOY DSNT COMEN

**luna:** yeosang are you whining 

**luna:** i can hear you from my room please be quiet everybody else is asleep

**artemis:** anD?

**luna:** i’m coming i’m coming you don’t need to yell 

**luna:** i’m also gonna make you drink some warm water okay? 

**luna:** you can’t have a headache tomorrow we have practice

**artemis:** jus COme UVER HERR

**soulmates**

**san:** aofijofjroifjoerjfjreiojfioerjgiojreiogjoirejgojre

**san:** thank you 

**woo:** merry christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oho oho~ i added a little seongjoong in there for some of yall who love them (i do too) 
> 
> MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!! ♡✧( ु•⌄• )


	8. happy new years: let's welcome 2021!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO DUMB I POSTED THIS CHAPTER UNDER MY OTHER FIC PHEW THANK GOD I CAUGHT IT QUICK 
> 
> ANYWAYS
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEARSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE ALL OF YOU （´ω｀♡%）
> 
> HAVE A LOVELY NEW YEARS AND I WISH ALL OF YOU A SAFE AND COMFORTABLE 2021
> 
> anyways, enjoy three pages of seongjoong, sansang, yungi, and woojong ;) (also this chapter is basically just the bois wishing each other new years, very sappy, very cheesy)

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**mingki:** it’s new years eevevevevevveveev

**mingki:** you know what that means

**mingki:** new years kiss!

**apple daddy:** lots of food

**loud bitch:** le new year kiss

**dad:** my boyfriend dressing up

**yeoyeo:** contemplating what i’ve achieved in the past year and then crying when i realize it is zero. 

**mountain:** … 

**mountain:** new years kiss! 

**sunshine:** *intro music plays* 

**mom:** Great. 

**mom:** Happy New Years Eve! 

**dad:** resolutions? 

**mingki:** meet atiny >.<

**sunshine:** awwww

**apple daddy:** awwwwww

**loud bitch:** buy a gigantic plate of spaghetti and then silently eat it in front of a terrified italian

**mountain:** what the fuck 

**dad:** w h y wooyoung

**loud bitch:** I THOUGHT WE WERE SHARING RESOLUTIONS

**loud bitch:** you all aww’d at MINGIS’

**yeoyeo:** yes but mingi’s was cute, yours is ridiculous and unattainable

**loud bitch:** yk what when i eat the spaghetti in front of a mario cosplayer i will take lots of photos and you won't’ be laughing then

**apple daddy:** i thought it was a terrified italian?

**loud bitch:** no he’ll be WEARING the mario costume

**apple daddy:** …

**mountain:** … 

**yeoyeo:** …

**dad:** …

**mom:** …

**sunshine:** …

**mingki:** …

**loud bitch:** fuck all of you 

**soulmates**

**woo:** i’m gonna assume your new years resolution is to confess to yeosang?

**san:** no because unlike you, i have achievable goals

**san:** starting with squishing the yeekies

**woo:** those are literally THE lowest standards ever

**san:** yeah i know 

**san:** i’ll take what i can get at this point

**woo:** sad

  
**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**dad:** happy new years!!!! i love you all so much and i’m grateful to be leader

**yeoyeo:** i love you guys too 

**yeoyeo:** happy new years (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

**loud bitch:** HAPPY NEW YEARS I LOVE YOU ALL

**mingki:** ateez is the best thing thats happened to me (other than yun)

**mom:** Aw. 

**mom:** Happy New Years! Let’s do well for Atiny.

**mom:** I love you all too, even if Wooyoung and San test my patience sometimes. 

**loud bitch:** mmhm love you too

**mountain:** how touching

**sunshine:** you guys are my best friends 

**sunshine:** yes yeosang you count too >:(

**yeoyeo:** uwu yunho

**sunshine:** *gasp* the once in a lifetime uwu

**sunshine:** uwu yeosangie

**mountain:** happy new years

**mountain:** i love you guys so much

**apple daddy:** happy new years <3

**parents**

**joongie:** hey seonghwa?

**hwa:** yes? 

**joongie:** i love you

**joongie:** a lot

**joongie:** ik all the members tease us about our relationship but i truly love you so much and i’m so grateful i get to face the new year with you

**joongie:** idk how i got you because you’re literally the sweetest person alive 

**joongie:** you make sure i dont overwork myself, you take care of the members, you purposely let me steal your hoodies, you make dinner for me and you stay up late waiting for me 

**joongie:** i love you hwa

**joongie:** happy new years, my big dumb angry bird. 

**hwa:** Joongie, I love you too. So much. Seeing you smile makes me smile, and seeing you happy makes me happy. 

**hwa:** Even though things are rough, I’ll get through this year. I’m with you, after all. 

**hwa:** ♡✧( ु•⌄• )

**hwa:** That is the only time I will ever use an emoji. 

**joongie:** and you used it for me AWWWWWWWW YOU SAP

**joongie:** you have a cRUSH on me you even said yoU LOVED ME

**hwa:** I–

**hwa:** We’re literally boyfriends. 

**joongie:** hush and enjoy the new years 

**yungi <3**

**yun:** mingiiiiiiiii

**yun:** mingigigiigigig

**yun:** wakeeee upppppp it’s almost new yearssssss

**yun:** respond to me hoe

**min:** yeeea mm awak

**yun:** clearly

**yun:** anyways

**yun:** i just wanted to say 

**yun:** you’re my treasure and even if we haven’t been together for long i still adore you to the ends of the earth 

**yun:** you’re  _ my _ sunshine (*´∀`*)

**min:** i love you so much

**min:** i know we haven’t really said it yet

**min:** but i do love you a lot

**min:** i love that cheesy message 

**min:** i love your laugh

**min:** i love how tall you are

**min:** i love that youre my boyfriend

**yun:** that’s pretty cheesy for someone who just that  _ my _ messages were cheesy

**min:** yeosang’s rubbing off on both of us

**yun:** yeah it’s a shame

**min:** i’m going to go get some sparklers and we can light them up on the balcony (*≧▽≦)

**yun:** yeah sure

**yun:** hey mingi?

**min:** yeah?

**yun:** i love you too

**yun:** happy new years

**cat bois**

**luna:** yeosang

**artemis:** yeah?

**luna:** thanks for being in ateez 

**luna:** thank you for coming to kq and letting me meet you

**luna:** it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me

**luna:** happy new years

**artemis:** afoijerfgergjirgjejgijteijgejtio 

**artemis:** i love you and happy new years, mountain. 

**apples melapples**

**annoying bitch:** hey jongho

**god:** what

**annoying bitch:** idk everybody else is sending each other heartfelt messages i felt left out

**god:** no

**annoying bitch:** i didn’t even SAY anything else

**god:** no we’re not doing that

**annoying bitch:** (╬ಠ益ಠ)

**annoying bitch:** ugh fine i’ll do it myself cuz SOMEONE is being DIFFICULT 

**annoying bitch:** you’re a good maknae (even if you NEVER call me hyung) and i love you or whatever 

**annoying bitch:** was that so hard

**god:** ok

**annoying bitch:** WOW THATS YOUR RESPONSE-

**god:** happy new years, hyung. 

**annoying bitch:** AHHHHHHH AHAJFOIREJIOGJEROIGJREIOGJERIANOFJIEORJGFOERJGIOREJGIERJG

**god:** don’t make me delete the message

**annoying bitch:** happy new years jongho

  
  



	9. we've got here a case of whodunnit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dad: THE KITCHEN IS ONE FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE  
> yeoyeo: ok and?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hELLO YALL the new years chapter was REALLY fluffy so i decided to make this one WEIRD as FUCK (but also with fluff because i'm a sugar addict) enjoy~ ♫꒰･‿･๑꒱

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**apple daddy:** two things

**apple daddy:** 1\. whoever keeps eating all the cheese off my pizza is going to face my bare hands 

**loud bitch:** WHAT 

**loud bitch:** WHO AJFOISJOFJOGIRGRJTGOIRTJ

**apple daddy:** let me finish

**apple daddy:** 2\. the kitchen is on fire

**mom:** WHY WOULDN’T YOU SAY THAT FIRST. 

**mom:** I’M COMING HOME RIGHT NOW. 

**apple daddy:** my pizza thing seemed more important 

**dad:** THE KITCHEN IS ONE FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE

**dad:** WHY ARE NONE OF YOU TRYING TO PUT IT OUT 

**yeoyeo:** welp i dont know about you guys but i’m ready for death 

**yeoyeo:** see you in hell wooyoung @loud bitch

**loud bitch:** WOWWWWWW

**dad:** HELLO???? THE KITCHEN?? IS STILL??? ON??? FIRE????

**yeoyeo:** yeah we get it 

**dad:** JONGHO WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING ON THE COUCH GET THE FUCKING FIRE EXTINGUISHER 

**apple daddy:** ugh fine

**apple daddy:** it’s not even a big deal 

**mom:** I’M HOME, WHERE IS THE FIRE. 

**yeoyeo:** in the kitchen

**mountain:** are you and wooyoung roasting marshmallows over the fucking fire 

**loud bitch:** it’s called capitalism san

**yeoyeo:** we’re just investing in an opportunity

**yeoyeo:** and it saves on our gas bills 

**mountain:** what

**loud bitch:** do you want a s'mores or not

**mountain:** yes with extra sprinkles please

**mingki:** ooohhhh can you reheat my ramen too

**sunshine:** me next, i wanna see if i can blow up a balloon using the air from the fire

**mom:** I’VE PUT OUT THE FIRE, EVERYONE YOU CAN CALM DOWN. 

**yeoyeo:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT 

**loud bitch:** WHYYYYYYYY 

**mingki:** aw man there goes my dinner 

**yeoyeo:** THE CHOCOLATE J U S T STARTED MELTING

**mom:** I… I literally just saved your lives? 

**yeoyeo:** well NOBODY ASKED HYUNG

**loud bitch:** READ THE ROOM HYUNG

**mom:** Wooyoung, your hair almost caught on fire. 

**loud bitch:** YEAH? WELL MAYBE I WANTED IT TO 

**loud bitch:** EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT HUH?????

**mountain:** my S’MORES

**yeoyeo:** NEXT TIME THERE’S A FIRE, MAYBE ASK FOR OUR OPINION 

**dad:** seonghwa let’s disown them

**mom:** We should’ve just adopted five dogs, they’d be more grateful. 

**mountain:** dogs eat crayons and dirt

**dad:** so what? mingi ate an expired cupcake that fell on the floor yesterday

**dad:** and YOU ate a flower on tuesday because wooyoung told you it’d taste good

**mountain:** it did taste good

**mom:** Yes, they’re basically the same. 

**mingki:** I’M RIGHT HERE 

**dad:** i know

**mom:** We know. 

**mingki:** i-

**sunshine:** what even started the fire???? 

**dad:** uh let me see

**dad:** WHO WAS BAKING IN THE KITCHEN

**dad:** THERE ARE CHARRED COOKIES IN THE OVEN

**mingki:** how charred are we talking

**loud bitch:** dog behaviour

**mingki:** >:( 

**loud bitch:** puppy behaviour

**dad:** hello??? the burnt cookies???

**dad:** you’re all a suspect you arsonists

**apple daddy:** ok hyung thats a little far

**dad:** i don’t associate with criminals

**dad:** just call me detective hongjoong

**loud bitch:** again, we don’t want to know what you and seonghwa hyung get up to in the bedroom

**dad:** hush

**dad:** looks like we’ve got a case on our hands 

**dad:** everyone tell me what you were doing when the fire started 

**apple daddy:** watching a movie and then went to the kitchen and found my cheeseless bread pizza

**loud bitch:** watching yeosang get beat up by 11 year olds on mario kart

**yeoyeo:** we don’t know their age

**loud bitch:** one of them called you an old dummy 

**yeoyeo:** i call you old all the time

**loud bitch:** ok but you left out the DUMMY part 

**yeoyeo:** whatever 

**dad:** okay, what about mingi and yunho? 

**mingki:** i was at the convenience store with yunho 

**sunshine:** yes we got chips 

**mountain:** i was playing video games

**mom:** I was in the studio. 

**dad:** hmmmmmmmm

**dad:** how convenient you all have alibis

**dad:** but that’s okay

**dad:** i know one of you will crack

**dad:** i’ll just give you time (◕‿◕✿)

**hongjoong’s favourite (no you’re not wooyoung)**

**hong:** just confess

**woo:** it?? wasn’t??? me???

**jESSICA DID YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR TEACHER?**

**tired mom:** I won’t be mad if you told me you were the one who burnt it down. 

**bad decision maker:** iT WASN’T ME 

**tired mom:** But you’ve almost burnt down the dorm ten times. 

**bad decision maker:** ALMOST 

**apples melapples**

**god:** was it you

**annoying bitch:** it wasn’t me istg 

**soulmates**

**san:** be honest with me

**woo:** what hoe

**san:** i’m serious. like really serious. 

**san:** did you burn the kitchen down

**woo:** WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I DID IT 

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**loud bitch:** JUST TO BE FUCKING CLEAR.

**loud bitch:** I WASN’T THE ONE WHO BURNT THE KITCHEN DOWN STOP FUCKING ASKING ME

**sunshine:** sus 

**mingki:** sus indeed

  
  


**cat bois**

**luna:** i bet wooyoung did it

**luna:** he’s acting all suspicious 

**luna:** why’ve you gone quiet in the chat btw? 

**artemis:** um… 

**artemis:** so i have to confess something

**artemis:** but you can’t tell ANYONE okay?????

**artemis:** i was the one who started the fire

**luna:** WHAT

**artemis:** ok so like i was planning on baking these frog cookies i saw on instagram for the members 

**artemis:** but like i just got back from practice and i was really tired so i set the timer and then i went to take a nap

**artemis:** and i just… forgot about it. 

**artemis:** and then wooyoung came into my room and we played mario kart

**artemis:** … yeah

**artemis:** i felt really bad but i was scared to say anything so aofijirjeojgrejgi

**luna:** oh yeosangie

**luna:** how long were you practicing

**artemis:** just like

**artemis:** 8 or 9 hours

**luna:** yeosang

**luna:** today’s an off day

**luna:** why are you pushing your body this much? 

**artemis:** i want to improve

**luna:** you can’t improve without taking care of yourself

**luna:** self care and work go hand in hand, yeosangie

**luna:** i’ve decided that starting right now

**luna:** you’ve been banned from the practice room for the entirety of tomorrow aside from group practice

**luna:** you’ve done enough

**artemis:** what

**luna:** and also, i’m gonna cuddle you until you melt because i  _ know _ your muscles are sore

**artemis:** what

**luna:** it doesn’t hurt to take a break

**luna:** it’s human

**artemis:** asjoifvergjtijjndk i want it on the record that i am not agreeing to this 

**luna:** it’s okay 

**luna:** just come and let me cuddle you :) 

**artemis:** fine

**artemis:** can you… not tell the members i almost burnt our dorm down? i can’t deal with that yet

**luna:** dw they wouldn’t believe you even if you confessed to their faces

**hell**

**heathen:** ajoicjdoijfejfoierejrojksndcvoejvfoerjgijr we’re cuddling again

**dad:** *deep sigh*

**dad:** i need a drink

**soulmates**

**san:** he-

**san:** he fell-

**san:** he fell as le e p in m y a;rms

**san:** i’m gonn’a cr y i’m so so;ft f;or h’im

**woo:** obviously i’m happy you go to cuddle yeosang but also you accused me of burning down the kitchen so fuck you 

**san:** >:(

**eight guys chilling in a hot tub**

**dad:** i still think it’s wooyoung by the way

**mom:** Me too. 

**loud bitch:** FUCK ALL OF YOU 

**['loud bitch' has left the chat]**

**['mom' has invited 'loud bitch]**

**mom:** Stop leaving, it just makes you look more guilty. 

**loud bitch:** eye-

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it <3!!! i may be a little addicted to these emoticons (ﾟωﾟ；)
> 
> (*ˊᗜˋ*)/ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ* and have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening


End file.
